Mean Girl Moms

Parenting takes a village, but is the village worthwhile if the relationships are toxic? In this essential, practical guide, mental health expert Dr. Noëlle Santorelli explores the phenomenon of relational aggression and offers advice and support for disengaging from the unhealthy dynamics created by modern motherhood culture. 

Modern motherhood has quietly become a high-stakes social system where inclusion, reputation, and access function like currency—and where subtle forms of relational aggression shape who feels safe, seen, and included. This is a truth most moms feel, but rarely feel safe enough to say out loud. 

Drawing on her work as a clinical psychologist and mother of three who has navigated these dynamics firsthand, Dr. Noëlle Santorelli reveals how competition, surveillance, and the pressure to secure children’s futures reshape women’s behavior in public spaces, creating toxic mom groups. What is commonly dismissed as “mean girl” behavior is revealed to be a predictable adaptation to this culture: a public, competitive arena where worth is performed, identity is tied to outcomes, and belonging feels fragile. Under these conditions, ordinary social stress is converted into socially sanctioned aggression—not because women are cruel, but because the system rewards status symbols, control over access, and deniable forms of power.

Blending personal experience with professional insight, Mean Girl Moms examines the emotional and relational cost of surviving inside these dynamics—on women, families, and communities—and offers grounded, realistic tools for making different choices, and makes room for different parenting styles and needs. This is not an indictment of “bad moms,” but a roadmap for understanding the system and modeling a healthier way forward for the next generation. Mean Girl Moms  gives women the language to understand what they’re experiencing, the clarity to stop blaming themselves, and the courage to step out of social systems that trade authenticity for status so they can reclaim connection, confidence, and peace. 

• “In Mean Girl Moms, Dr. Noëlle Santorelli pulls back the curtain on the invisible status games shaping modern motherhood. With sharp psychological insight and deep compassion, she gives language to the pressures so many women feel but sometimes can't name—the fear of exclusion, the comparison spiral, and the longing to belong. This is an extraordinary book that not only exposes the culture of competition surrounding children and their parents but also shows us how to build something better in its place.” 
  Jennifer Wallace, New York Times bestselling author of Mattering and Never Enough
• “Dr. Santorelli has created a map for navigating the shark-infested waters of mean moms, with a dose of hope— while you can’t change bitchiness, you can change your reaction to it.” 
  Jill Kargman, author of Momzillas and creator of Bravo’s Odd Mom Out and the 2026 film Influenced
• “Mean moms aren't just fiction: If you think the social drama ends after middle school, think again. In Mean Girl Moms, Dr. Noëlle Santorelli pulls back the curtain on the subtle power plays and status games shaping modern motherhood. Smart, validating, and razor-insightful, this book gives women the language and the tools to opt out of the madness.” 
  Emma Rosenblum, bestselling author of Mean Moms, Members Only, Very Bad Company, Bad Summer People and
• “Mean Girl Moms introduces readers to Noelle Santorelli, PhD, a remarkably gifted clinical psychologist whose rare blend of expertise, warmth, and clinical intuition has made her a highly sought-after therapist for both youth and adults. Through vivid stories and sharp cultural analysis, she shows how these forces take root—and how they quietly undermine confidence and connection. Wise, funny, and profoundly validating, Mean Girl Moms is the book you’ll read, underline, and immediately hand to a friend who needs it just as much as you do.” 
  Dr. Nadine J. Kaslow, ABPP, Professor and Vice Chair, Emory Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences Past President, American Psychological Association
• “Mean Girl Moms names the quiet, uncomfortable truth so many mothers feel but rarely say out loud: modern motherhood can feel less like a village and more like a social minefield. With sharp psychological insight and deep compassion, Dr. Noëlle Santorelli helps women understand the system they’re navigating and shows them a path back to connection, confidence, and community. Every mom who has ever wondered, ‘Why does motherhood sometimes feel like middle school all over again?’ will feel seen in this book.” 
  Tara Clark, Creator of Modern Mom Probs, host of the Modern Mom Probs Podcast and author of Modern Mom Probs: A Survival Guide for 21st Century Moms
• “Mean Girl Moms is a fresh, funny, brilliant take on the crazy feelings we’ve all had in this world of high stakes motherhood. And best of all, Dr. Santorelli helps us see we’re not the problem. I was almost late getting my son to the bus because I was so engrossed in reading it, nodding my head as I turned every page because I've never read anything like this. I can’t wait to buy copies for all my friends—and for my bookstore.” 
  Fran Hauser, bestselling author of Twenty Minutes is the New Hour and The Myth of the Nice Girl and founder of Bedford Books
• “I’ve known Dr. Noëlle Santorelli for over twenty years, since we worked together at the NYU Child Study Center before graduate school. Throughout her career, she has brought clarity and clinical depth to understanding relational stress. In Mean Girl Moms, she offers a psychologically grounded and deeply practical guide to navigating the social pressures of modern motherhood with strength and integrity.” 
  Dr. Rachel L. Goldman, Clinical Psychologist, assistant professor NYU Grossman School of Medicine and author of When Life Happens
• “Dr. Noëlle Santorelli gives language to experiences many women feel but struggle to explain. With depth and empathy, she explores relational aggression, exclusion, and the difference between being included and truly belonging. Readers of Mean Girl Moms, will feel less alone and more equipped to navigate complicated social dynamics. You won’t find a more nuanced, compassionate guide to belonging, boundaries, and breaking cycles we often don’t realize we’re repeating.” 
  Nina Badzin, Host of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship Conversations About Friendship, a popular podcast on adult friendship and social connection
• “Dr. Santorelli put a name to an issue that so many women experience but feel silly talking about. In Mean Girl Moms, she explains why the women we've befriended and rely on for support, advice and companionship have become so toxic. As anyone who has been mean-mommed knows, there's something about understanding where this behavior comes from that helps us heal. As a mom and clinician, Dr. Santorelli is the perfect voice to tell this story and give women the necessary tools to deal with the Mean Moms—and avoid them!” 
  Tara Weiss, contributor to The Wall Street Journal
• “Mean Girl Moms is the compassionate yet unflinching look families today need at the invisible (yet inescapable) web of power governing their lives, parenting, and very identities. For the modern parent desperate to give their children everything in a competitive, hierarchical world, this book provides a needed wake up call. Without blaming moms for a systemic problem, Dr. Santorelli provides a framework to call out, confront, and ultimately dismantle the toxic tapestry of power dynamics and relational aggression making motherhood even harder than it already is for moms today.” 
  Dr. Marina Rosenthal, Clinical Psychologist and author of We Have To Stop Fighting Like This
• “If you’ve ever felt a shift—the pause, the chill, the sudden weird energy—in your mommunity, you didn’t imagine it. In Mean Girl Moms, Dr. Noëlle Santorelli decodes the unspoken rules and hidden hierarchies of modern motherhood with insight, humor, and empathy, offering both validation and a clear way forward.” 
  Jordan Roter, author of Moms Like Us, Girl in Development and Camp Rules; screenwriter, TV writer, producer.
• “Mean Girl Moms is sharp, honest, and wildly validating. Dr. Noëlle Santorelli brings psychological precision and fierce compassion to the social minefields of motherhood, reminding women they are not alone, not crazy, and absolutely worthy of belonging. This book feels like the smartest friend in the room pulling up a chair and saying, ‘Let’s talk about what’s really happening.’ I’ll be recommending it every mother in my life.” 
  Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, Clinical Psychologist, Clinical Assistant Professor, Department of Psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine and member of Forbes Health Advisory Board
• “Dr. Noëlle Santorelli is the expert on relational aggression in motherhood and not only brilliantly pinpoints what Mean Girl Mom behavior is and how it affects moms and their kids, especially in relation to overt and covert social exclusion, but also shares how to define it, survive it, and thrive despite of it in a practical and useful way.” 
  Dr. Kim Van Dusen, Parenting expert, creator of The Parentologist, host of The Parentologist Podcast, and author of Parenting Through Play